heaven smiles above me's Journal
You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
12th September 2005
15th March 2004
i am a fucking idiot
went to heather's for the weekend. friday: went to haight and smoked weed. saturday: went to the Anarchist Bookfair, went to warm water cove to see a show. Poor heather was sadly privy to my unbelievable drunkenness and explosive technicolor vomiting. she had to practically carry me all the way to the bus while i fucking threw up everywhere. and then i threw up on the bus, which was fucking hilarious at 4 in the morning when i was the only one awake but then really really not funny later when i learned quite a few of heather's friends were sitting on the bus with us and saw me puke. so i pretty much fucked things up with heather. its easier with all my other friends because i have known them for three or more years so they are used to me constantly constantly fucking up and doing stupid shit and making a complete fool out of myself but to someone who has only known me for a bit its like whoa. i relayed this story to sophia, who is a much better friend to heather (and in general) than i am and she has named me the stuttering drunk. I AM A FUCKING IDIOT. normally i wouldnt really care; i would embrace my filthy vomiting drunkenness and inebriation and yell at the world "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A DRUNK GIRL BEFORE?????" but its always with people who i really like and who are much cooler than me that i fuck up monumentally. its always that goddamn morning after when i wake up and realize what i did and then have to indure the incredible awkwardness of being around the person who is so pissed at you and who thinks you are a total embarrassment and whatnot and just cringe inside because you know you can't say anything or fix it. :
Current Mood: A;DFKJAS;DLKFJAD;SLKJFD;!!!!
19th February 2004
today i saw 50 first dates for the second time at the metreon. that movie is very depressing. its like memento without the killing, and in hawaii. kinda. i was wearing my new skirt and doing all these carwheels everywhere but now i have a HUGE swollen knee because i was doing cartwheels in the movie theater on my way out and i hit the side railing. :
in the middle of the movie everyone heard this huge THUNK. i was just laying on the floor clutching my knee. fortunately, no one came down to see what the noise was. now i walk with a limp.
Current Mood: ditzy
18th February 2004
27th January 2004
in english last week, i was feeling quite giggly because it was after PE and i had all of these endorphins and adrenaline. yarrow drew all over my arm in purple marker and listed all my family members and wrote his "rap name" y-dizzle. then i made jordan complete this sentence: if i had a hammer... and he wrote "i'd kill my brother." we are going to make it into a song eventually. i am in study hall right now and alex just walked by me and said "GANGSTERRRRRRRRRR." while flashing westside. he just walked by me again and tried to beatbox. :
I just remembered one good thing about school: free entertainment. My classmates provide much hilarity, intentionally or not. In 5th grade, i told yarrow that doing this 50's handjive thing would get girls to like him (he believed me). So in retaliation, in music he said he knew something that would make "cute boys like me", which turned out to be that hand thing from that hand clapping game, "down by the banks of the hankypanky", which i played in 1st grade. while everyone was playing their jazz pieces, we were in the middle of the room just doing that the whole time and just walked out at the end. it was made much more amusing because yarrow is what someone i know would call a "full on blinger", those kids who desperately want to be ghetto. if he wasn't black, everyone would call him a wigger. then in science all i did was watch alex. alex is a bizarre little fellow. if you watch him for long enought he will forget people are looking and just do his thing. most of the stuff he does is so absolutely stupid that you have to laugh. he put both arms in his gray sweatshirt and pretended to be an elephant, tried to do the one person wave, poked everyone and pretended it was someone else, despite the fact they could see him, put his hand in his sweatshirt pocket and pretended it was a gun and tried to hold people up, told me to stop treating him like a man whore, made a z like those guys in Dude, Where's my Car with his hands and said "ZEBRA, ZEBRA!", tried to say all this stuff that rhymes, and of course did the westside thing. all of this in 10 minutes. i started crying because i was laughing so hard. he doesn't really mean to be funny, he just does it as it comes to him. Once in the middle of history, i just busted out laughing because i realized his nickname would be Al. Everyone was looking at me like i was crazy and then Alex got it and we went around and gave everyone a nickname. :
13th January 2004
ok so all applications and whatnot are out of the way. i auditioned for art school and i didnt do great but i will live if i dont get in. i quit therapy for good because when i first came there i was so miserable and depressed and i needed someone to talk to and that was the solution but now i dont need it anymore. medication didnt help and i just refuse to go down that path. they THINK i'm bipolar but no one is 100% positive. despite my earlier rantings, i don't really accept that as a concrete fact now. if i am or i am not, i am still me. and i dont need therapy or medication to help the "problem" which really has a lot to do with finding out about what i want and who i am and whats what. they really arent helping. so i am going to "take charge" or whatever and live my life and not rely on everyone else. fuck this journal anyway. if it wasnt on the computer i'd burn every last page of my crazed, petty ramblings. i've been listening to Japanese Gum by Her Space Holiday and it is a great song. sad but good. :
8th January 2004
i stole this from emptiness of god's journal. :
i am supposed to:
1. Copy this whole list into my journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with him.
3. Whatever i don't bold, replace with things about me.
i would encourage others to reciprocate but no one actually reads my journal, which is probably a good thing. ok so here it goes:
01. Cell phone ring tones bother me...endlessly.
02. I'm a sagittarius.
03. I'm the only child.
04. I pace ALL THE DAMN TIME.
05. The only good thing about Homestarrunner is Teen Girl Squad and Strong Bad.
06. My back hurts right now.
07. I dread going to school.
08. I am possessive.
09. My hands shake all the time.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I want to live in NYC.
12. I bite people.
13. I am good at spending money.
14. I am not finished with my art school portfolio. I hate it so far.
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I can be very destructive.
17. I don't love NSYNC.
18. I have more than a couple of horrible memories.
19. I'm kinda lost.
20. I am a person.
21. I WORSHIP FIGHT CLUB RELIGEOUSLY. ITS VERY UNHEALTHY.
22. I get so much joy out of new things. Without fail. Unless I don't like it.
23. I'm not very photogenic.
24. I hate people who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. Everyone I like I end up hating.
27. Abrupt things make me laugh.
28. I wish I was braver.
29. I hate Avril Lavigne.
30. I eat in the middle of the night.
31. I have been on medication.
32. Some people at school irritate me to no end.
33. I am always late for first period.
34. I procrastinate.
35. I have terrible urges to help people that arent worth it.
36. I need more band t-shirts.
37. I get barely any sleep.
38. I have shoes.
39. I think just like me.
40. I am confrontational.
41. I like movies.
42. I run from responsibility of stuff i dont want.
43. Harry Potter is the shit, yo.
44. I loved playing in water when I was a kid.
45. I love quotes.
46. I'm not scared of spiders. I leave them alone if they stay on their corner of the room. if they crawl over my desk, i will kill them.
47. I am wasting time right now.
48. Valentine's Day is too sappy for me.
49. Goth poetry is hilarious.
50. I love good food.
51. A lot of things that used to have significance dont mean a lot anymore.
52. I can do that eyebrow thing like The Rock.
53. I was born.
54. My immense workload never ceases to amaze me at times.
55. I'm addicted to the internet. I can't help it.
56. I am destined for cancer.
57. I am stubborn.
58. I am spontaneous.
59. Salad is good.
60. My ears ring...constantly.
61. I hate cleaning.
62. I forget everything.
63. I think blood is a cool thing.
64. I love to laugh.
65. I love Deftones and i am waiting for them to come to town so my life will make sense again.
66. I want to travel the world.
67. I hate being judged.
68. I attend a private, non-religious, Fascist prison of a school.
69. In my youth i was taught values from my #68. only to have them trampled on by the very people who set up said belief structure.
70. I think fishnets are awesome. i wear them.
71. Chuck Palahniuk is God.
72. I loath the white room.
73. I love funk
74. I like reading.
75. I can bullshit my way through most things.
76. Art isn't fun if you are forced to do it.
77. I have issues.
78. I'd like to go to college in a city where there's a strong rock music scene.
79. No one knows what the fuck I'm talking about.
80. I don't remember the last time I wasn't stressed.
81. I think Triumph the dog can be annoying at times.
82. I love sarcasm.
83. I hide my drugs in the lightswitch.
84. I'd rather be cold than hot.
85. My parents are just plain stupid.
86. I'm gonna be a hobo.
87. I hate packing.
88. I look younger but act older.
89. I hate the feeling of failure.
90. I don't know what oihefopuihfdjksda is.
91. I hate it when I burn my tongue!
92. I love to take tests and quizzes.
93. I am wild at heart.
94. I have too many favorites.
95. I like Edvard Munch.
96. I love getting money.
97. I wish there was some hope of a future for me.
98. I think it's kind of sad that snail mail is dying out.
99. I have problems with incredibly stupid people.
100. I have problems with self control.
1st January 2004
hopefully that last one was a joke :
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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what a coincedence!
Congratulations! You're Merry!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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The ULTIMATE personality test
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i really dont know what they're talking about!
26th November 2003
lord give me guidance. ok, so needless to say my life has begun to take a steep downward incline to SUCKY. there is so much pressure on me do these applications and be here and to this. i have to write so many fucking essays; and all of this basically determines my future and life and all that shit. i completely crack under pressure. i cant do these essays because i know anything i do will not be good enough and i am scared to have this much responsibility over my life! i am still figuring out what my life fucking means and i am expected to apply and work hard for this system that i dont even believe in. also, ALSO, i am bipolar. yes, i am bipolar. i take medication and go to therapy. neither of which works. although (i am very embarassed to have this thought) i feel kinda legit. i am not one of those regular kids whining about depression (even though i kinda am) I AM BIPOLAR DAMMIT! but other than that it really sucks. the thing about having a statement that i am bipolar means there is something wrong in my head, a chemical imbalance the doctor is trying to treat. i can't believe that because this is who i am. i realize that i have mood swings, etc. ect. but i am not one of those "out of control teens" who fly into a rage at the drop of a hat for no reason. so i quit. i quit therapy and i am trying to quit my medication except there is all this blablabla talk about trying something different or antideppressants with the lithium. fuck that, i wont do it. i always felt something was kind of "off" in my life or the world and all the therapy and drugs wont help that. i used to pick a few thinks, unconsiously, every year to be my "hope" or something. i never really noticed until last year. truthfully, i personally never choose, there's some instinct or something that chooses for me. :
i think i was unconciously looking for an answer and those things profided a temporary escape or something. psychoanalogy isnt my specialty. this year, the future closer and more prevalent, i started asking conciously, why? why do i have to do this? what is my future? why does this seem so hopeless? in june or july i felt like a bit of pain (i like disturbing movies way too much). that pain is reality and i cant resist creepy disturbing stuff. i watched the Daniel Pearl tape like 8 times, mostly because i couldn't believe it. so i rummage around and i find, of course, fight club.
Voila. there was my answer! how did they know??? just kept running through my head when they were describing jack's sad little life. which is everyone's life really. and there it was. there wasnt a big Answer, but came a lot closer than anything else. that was it. i even learned to surf because of fight club because the next day i was so tranced out on it, i didn't care about getting hurt or wiping out and i jammed like an all star. well, sort of. then fight club became Fight Club the book, which became Chuck Palahniuk, lord and savior. everyone said at the end of the summer i got better and praised the medication, but it was probably fight club and chuck. which brings us back to now. i was late everyday for probably two months to school and i didnt even care. i didnt care about my impending future or my stupid ho-baggity friends. fight club gave me a reason to do all of it because here was someone else who felt this way, a reason to, basically, live. i wasnt living large, success success happy happy but i wasnt suicidal. i finally had something that was all mine. i never get to have things that are just mine. there was dangerous angels last year which i discovered and lent to my "best friend" who i thought was worthy of the book. of course, she does her hippy stuff about how great it was and how she could relate to everyone and took the slang from the book. and then she brought the book to school and EVERYONE wanted to read it. and that pissed me off. i mean sharing a book may not be a big thing to most people but i take that shit so seriously. a book is so much, it could be life for someone! (i.e. me) but now i had fight club and i was absolutely determined never to speak of it. i was so careful. in every conversation i always scanned for references or anything incriminating. i have known many of my class mates for a very long time so i know many things about them. one of these things being when i graduate i am skipping the afterparty and getting the hell out of there to avoid their blablablaing about love, future, best friends for life. they are not at the top of the philisophical food chain in my personal oppinion. i am not in the "pretty happy girl" catagory, but i am the best friend. i always feel that they take so much from me: books, ideas, time, and especially ENERGY dealing with all their problems and being the support. fuck that. i finally had something that was mine and I. WAS. HAPPY! (well happier than i had been in a long time. complete happiness means completion which means ending. blech.) so of course, something has to go wrong.
i will summerize: you come to school and you see someone else reading your book. this person is the one who made all those fat kid stereotypes true. he is a rich whiney daddy's boy who takes a cab home from school, likes legos, and crys for no apparent reason all the damn time, and he is holding your book. what then? in a perfect world, he is roasted alive in the pits of hell. but this is not a perfect world
Current Mood: homicidal/suicidal
16th November 2003
ok. so this weekend i went to sophie's little sleepover party thing on friday. i was hoping for drama but all i got was ariel and matties little rant on how they're not actually hoes. ariel's rant was on how she is choosing to do fuck around with this group of fools and mattie's was on how she doesn't know what she wants and she is a victim and she was so traumatized from her youth that she doesnt know how to deal with the new attention she is recieving from guys and she can't take control of her life and she is just doing stupid shit to "dull the pain" or something like that. ariel coasted right over that and said she would take care of mattie and bla bla bla they want to do it and how they just want to "have fun". right. so mattie's "birthday" party which is an excuse to "fraternize" with these stupid, wannabe ghetto little boys. i didn't hear what actually happened until later. apparently it was really boring and it sucked but ariel gave this guywho she is like paired up with and who she hates kind of because she says he played her, anyway she knows he just wants to fuck around, a blowjob in the closet. she swallowed and after she went to kiss him and he totally pulled back and now everyone knows about it. she is only concerned that everyone knows about it than that she is doing unbelievably stupid shit with people who dont even like her. mattie gave the other guy, who everyone says actually cares about her but i highly doubt it, a handjob. also, someone brought vodka and she threw up on her carpet. all this is going on while her parents are upstairs. i haven't talked to her about it and i don't plan to but apparently she's ecstatic about everything. i feel very very bad for them. they are so bothered by people calling them hoes and judging them by their hoochie outfits but i guess they can't see where it's coming from. all this is coupled with their inability to keep quiet about their debaucheries. I wasn't there because as a was getting ready heather, sophiaimahippyworldpeaceblablabla's, friend called. heather is a punk rock prom queen and i've really wanted to hang out with her but i never have the time. she wanted me to go with her to bottom of the hill to see gravy train. it appears that my mother is a lot more paranoid than i thought because she called heather, called heather's mom, called bottom of the hill and made this whole plan for driving. it would have gone much better if my parents had not freaked out and forbade me to take the bus at 8 pm. then there was this whole bitchfest about driving and bla bla bla. also, it was heather's first time at bottom of the hill and she gave me the wrong address, 17th and mission and my parents REFUSED to drop me there so i had to skulk outside bottom of the hill until she got there with my dad lurking in the car on the next block. but she got there so we had fun. it turns out she never goes to a show sober but it was her first time there so we went outside to open a 40 and the bouncer fucking took it away and said we were crazy. the first three sets were techno, country, techno and we were hella bored. so we waited and waited and bummed cigarettes and by the time gravy train got on we had to leave. then there was underage drinking and the obligatory drunken rant on mission and peeing in front of what i believe is a taqueria. they say these are the best years of our lives. :
Current Mood: party hardy
23rd October 2003
...and then i gouged out my eyes and ate them
Just listening to a phone conversation held by my mother. Hearing her fake laugh and "in depth" conversation about her new job makes me want to scream at her and tell her how pathetic and meaningless her little life is, but I doubt she'd hear me. My Fight Club obsession, which was on hiatus, has come back in full swing. More than full swing if that is possible. I suppose the looming future ahead of me has really made me realize that my life really doensn't have a point. Those who look for guidance recieve propaganda. It is clear what the definition of success is in America, but after then what? The anniversary of Scarface made me go and watch it for the first time and it is highly prevalent. Tony came to America to be successful, but after he achieved his success then what? What was his point in life? He rose so high then crashed so hard and that was it. But there really doesnt seem to be a point. What the world needs is a Tyler Durden. Or a Jack. Well they were the same person. :
Current Mood: restless
5th October 2003
Last week I got my first "real" job painting a set for this lady who works at the video store near by. I discovered that I loathe capitalism but i love money. A paradox, no? I am still grappling with the meaning of life, which continues to illude me. There doesn't seem to be another option to the system of make money and die. high school, college, job, family, death. just little machines working for nothing. Times like these I wish for a Tyler Durden. I have no long term goal, no real reason to live besides the fact I've never seen Greece. I wish someone would come along and fuck our twisted little American values up. Not me though, I'm bipolar not schizophrenic. And speaking of which, the medication they put me on isn't doing jack shit. Neither is therapy really. My god! Im not a trauma survivor, nothing really bad ever happened to me. And my parents are only paying for all of this to stop me from hating them. Actually, in some sad way they probably like this whole thing because it makes them feel part of my life. If I could actually suck it up and pretend I don't know that life has no rhyme or reason, I could probably do quite well without them. What are they supposed to do anyway? Give my advice on drugs and sex and how do make good choices? They never did before and now its too late. The only lasting thing they gave me was not looking at needles when its time for a shot and staying quiet when something you say could cause someone else embarrassment. Both things I am trying to break free from, despite the fact that they are engrained on my subconcious. :
I saw a movie called Six-String Samurai recommended by the lady at the video store which was unbelievably awesome. Unfortunately, this was underscored by the movie's plot adding this fucking kid who is unbelievably irritating. Still it is worth checking out.
Even though my parents are idiots, they are faux-noir-film people, which means they have all this mini books from sight and sound put in the "Guest Room" so everyone can see how deep and intellectual they are. Among these little books was the screenplay for the movie American Beauty, which I have never seen. When i finished, it felt like someone ripped out my still beating heart and went "die, DIE, DIE" with a shovel. I haven't felt that way since i read "Beautiful World" was so depressed that I couldn't go to school the next day. (being "sick" with bipolar "disease" has its perks sometimes). Anyway, the last line of American Beauty really stuck with me:
"LESTER (V.O.) I guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me...but its hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
EXT.-ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - DAY
We're FLYING once again over Robin Hood Trail, ASCENDING
LESTER (V. O.) ...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
FADE TO BLACK
LESTER (V. O.) You will someday."
Ack. Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains. Even though my parents have undoubtedly seen the movie and read this mini screenplay thing, they probably have no idea what it is about. They probably remember certain little details so they can seem smart at cocktail parties. Actually, the same thing happened with Fight Club. They bought it, I stole it then watched it. I'm what you would call a hoarder. I hoard information until I find someone worthy enough to pass it on to. Usually, this is nobody. The last thing I passed on, and deeply regretted doing so later, was Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block. I lent it to a friend, Sophia, who is in essence a wannabe neo-hippie. She then proceeded to "share the love" or some shit and now half the people on this continent know about it.
Okay, now I'm off to make good choices and find a working goal for life.
Also I heard the new Deftones song Battleaxe, which made me feel like a glacial queen.
Current Mood: discontent
23rd September 2003
back to school
i. hate. school. the people are morons, the classes are boring, the teachers are insipid. i have been reduced to throwing sobe bottles at the highway for at break for amusement. blah. what really gets me is the drama that everyone tries to make about "triflin' shit". first i was mad but now im glad because one day they'll all be paying me for therapy. so far my hunt for meaning in the world has not really yielded anything interesting other than catcher in the rye which doesnt count. and i cant even go on the roof because i stole some weed that was growing on someone elses roof last year and i am undeniably paranoid. also, everyone seems to think i am a crackhead. hmmmm. :
Current Mood: enraged
5th August 2003
3rd August 2003
back from the old country!
just got back from Eugene, Oregon, the place all the hippies migrated to. :
i spent the whole time alternately sleeping and getting into fights with my aunt who was pissed that i was sleeping and have no opinion on anything. and then she drags me to her homeopathic doctor to try to do something about my "condition" (it didnt work). so i dragged by day, paced by night (i get a real energy burst at night , the manic part of my manic depression, and i have nothing to do but pace around my room or other living space i occupy at that time; and sometimes this turns into a panic attack, so fun for everyone.) the best part was when my cousin came up with my dad and my uncle to feed their biking frenzies and we hung out. we shared tales and he told me lots of entertaining stories that all seemed to involve breaking and entering, drinking and drugging, or naked girls; not that he was bragging. i would applaude him, but he wouldnt give me shrooms. bastard.
assorted quotes (from books, movies, and "real life":
"you should be in class, sunny Jim."
"rap yourself around this, sailor."
"all that food was wasted on the white people."
"you can break my wrist but im still going to kiss you."
"worker bees can leave/ even drones can fly away/ the queen is their slave."
"so...can you spell orgasm?"
Current Mood: listless
3rd July 2003
just got back from surfing. my whole opinion of surfing is totally different. last week i hated it, this week i loove it. i was rockin and rollin and whatnot. i also had the misfortune of being hit on repeatedly by a Hooter's-lovin fella named Cole. why me? but now i'm goin over to mattie's house in a couple hours so we can mosey on over to krissi, her "babysitter"'s house to skate and get ready to see aceyalone at the fillmore with prince paul and eyedea. i am a blank slate. :
Current Mood: blank
2nd July 2003
wow my day seems to be split in two. i spent the morning recovering from reading dark, depressing and disturbing internet story things, so i woke with a numbness that usually follows my emotional overloads. then i had to go surfing but my numbness handled my usual freezing in the water and fear of being killed by a big wave, so i was kickin ass and surfin the face of the wave. at the end i was in an oddly good mood. this was part one of the day. then i came home and stole Fight Club from my parents and proceeded to watch it. there isnt really words to describe my feelings about this movie. see, i am a sucker for pain. i am drawn to disturbing things like a vulture to carrion. this movie encompassed all that and also had everything i was thinking about and....WOW is all i can really say. comparing this to porn 'n chicken is laughable. ( i dont even know why i liked that movie so much, probably because Geoffrey Arenz is in it.) it was beautiful and disturbing at the same time. a telling tale of everyones "place in the world" and the emptiness in life that people pointedly ignore and try to fill with possesions. i had almost given up hope on life in general being anything before i saw this. my favorite part was at the very end when Edward Norton says, "You met me at a very strange time in my life." and the Pixies song starts playing. but it makes you think where do they go from there? does Jack go back to normal, dull existence or to jail. how can you put that behind you? all i can really say is im stunned by this wonderful, mindblowing movie. now i have to hide it before my parents do. :
Current Mood: shocked
1st July 2003
i feel shitty, oh so shitty...
man i feel deppressed as hell. i just finished the new harry potter book last night, or rather this morning seeing as how i was done at 5 am, and THEY KILLED OF SIRIUS!! IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD???? he was my favorite guy and they killed him. he was a good person and they killed him. by the way i realize how sad it is that the only real, good people i know and actually connect with aren't alive. how could they kill him?? its not fair. and i saw Charlie's Angels 2:" Full Throttle". after, i was hit with the realization that i could have writtien the script better. it is extremely dissapointing to see a good opportunity go to waste. (this is less terrible but it is still sucky). and i had to spend three hours at "surf camp" with my friends, who are very stupid and extremely annoying. i am also developing a steady persistant feeling that life is nothing. this is the part where i say, " i need a drink." :
Current Mood: depressed
28th June 2003
You're Gangsta Bitch Barbie. You're tough and you
like it rough, and of course you like to pop a
cap in any wiggers ass.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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